How to Psyche out Boaters and Win Races at HOHW . . . the GKC way.
On a River far, far away paddlers fight for dominance.................
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River Wars!!
This trip report was written on May 4th which may have affected my writing. May the 4th be with you.
The Dork Lord of the spread sheet (who occasionally answers to Wayne) on orders from the evil Emperor Harris had rallied his troops and headed to a river far, far away. He was on a quest for dominance of all kayak clubs in the Ontario Kayaking Universe. On his way to the river, he liberated Princess Leah. She had been chained to a computer wearing nothing but a gold drysuit and was being forced to attempt to hack into the GKC website by none other than Jager the Hut! In an earlier, unsuccessful raid on the website using the alias Andrew 78, Jager had been captured and locked out of the system. Upon escaping, he vowed vengeance on the GKC Empire. He was using Princess Leah to break the code when the Dork Lord threw a kink in his plans by whisking her off to the river far, far away otherwise known as the Petawawa (which is just North of Pembroke off highway 17.)
Upon arriving, the Dork Lord found his troops had already begun preparations for battle. Making training runs down the river, the advanced scouts determined that lower water would make the run far more technical than previously experienced. The holes had instead become sticky pourovers and the rapids were all littered with rocks. Your humble scribe had a sloppy first run with 4 failed roll attempts and a re-injured shoulder before a final successful roll. This was all it took for the young Rebels to feel confident in an easy victory. But, as usual with the KWP, their confidence was disproportional to their abilities. The Dork Lord had a feeling that those young Rebels the KWP might just have a trick or two up their sleeves. His plan was to breach the inner circle of the KWP using Princess Leah and pump for information. His pumping paid off and he realized that overconfidence would indeed be their undoing.
We spread out the camps so that the enemy couldn't disrupt us during our super-secret training regiment. Staying at Chateau Brad et Kim were, Kevin, Cathy, Alex and Richard Maggs, Ed, Judy, and Joel Bernard, Lenny and Wayne. Princess Leah was there as well but her loyalties were in question so plans could not be made with her present. Art, Erwin and Mark were working on a Time Traveller somewhere on the edge of Petawawa. Bob and Kim had a hotel in Pembroke. Blaine camped close to the enemy in order to keep an eye on their actions.
That night, while we discussed strategies out of earshot of Princess Leah (and as we enjoyed our secret training Elixirs at Chateau Brad and Kim's) we were viciously attacked by the KWP! They came with horns blaring to distract the guards and in no time had infiltrated the perimeter and were standing beside our eternal flame. Not only that, their driver was the infamous Rosa from the Western Club. The Rebels had an alliance. They appeared friendly, distributing antique Mackfest hats and t-shirts while making both small and large talk but it was obvious they were there to re-capture the Princess. Then, when it was clear their getaway driver was tiring, they attacked again -- this time throwing olfactory attack bombs for distraction and promptly bolted. This was unheard of. They were completely ignoring the conventions of growing up. Empire rules clearly state that Stink Bombs are strictly forbidden for use by anyone older than 13 years of age, yet the KWP were flouting the rules of growing the hell up and acting their age. I must admit to a slight amount of jealousy. Kudos must be given to them for their assault -- coming in with horns blazing and leaving with a stench was a very impressive manoeuvre.
Fortunately, in the ensuing melee they forgot to take the Princess with them which led us again to question her loyalties. This was a wise move because, come Race Day, who was in charge of the KWP racing skiff? Princess Leah -- a double agent. We had been had. Or, at the very least, Wayne had been had. Realizing his mistake, he quickly went to work. During the rafting training run, the team ran difficult lines through both Railroad and Lover's but deliberately slowed down for the calm sections which allowed the KWP to have a much faster training run than GKC. On the shuttle up to the top, Wayne loudly berated the GKC, so that the KWP could hear, for being 27 seconds slower than the KWP (a number he invented!) and admonished them to improve their performance. . . or else. With those words he made a choking motion and all understood. The KWP's misplaced sense of superiority had been given a second boost. The psyche was in and overconfidence would work against them once again. During the race, the GKC pulled out all the stops. They didn't stop paddling during the calm sections and their highly trained Esprit guide steered them into the perfect lines. When the race was over, the GKC were a full 45 seconds ahead of the KWP raft. This not only gave the GKC the win over KWP, it was enough for a 3rd place finish overall. Some other notable rafts that were crushed by the GKC juggernaut were the Level Six raft team and Rapid Media raft team. When the times were announced, it was time for the KWP team to be berated for their poor showing by Calebacca only this time, it was not an act. When he looked down upon his team with disgust and howled like an angry wookie demanding to know "What happened?", his loathing of his team was real. So, with this victory, the GKC Star was shining brightly. There is no way a bunch of rebel kids could take down this star.
It was with this attitude that a KWP, broken in spirit and one fine bottle of Scotch poorer, had to reassemble for the kayak race. Not only were they broken in spirit, their start times were broken apart. Instead of being a cohesive group, charging one after the other through the rapids to victory with military precision like the Guelph Club. The KWP were going out in 2's and 3's -- lonely and scared in the big rapids. The brilliance of the GKC plan was evident at the finish line. Each GKC boater was cheered during the final stretch by their team members. Any thoughts of slowing down are forgotten when your team cheers you through the final minute of the race. This contrasted sharply with the KWP plan of throwing rocks at the GKC boats above Lover's. I confess I thought that rock throwing would have been more successful but the extra 3-4 seconds we gained in that last stretch was enough to win.
In the end young Buttimor Skywalker raced his speeder to a first place finish at 7:30. He claimed it was just like shooting Burleigh Rapids back home. Joel the Sith countered with an impressive 7:45. Next Art Art Binks and Calebacca tied at 8:07 giving the KWP a 15 second lead. Next, Jacob’s 8:14 time vs. Richard’s 8:23 gave the KWP the edge by 24 seconds. My time of 8:23 was 10 seconds ahead of Leah’s 8:33 which trimmed their lead to 14 seconds. Alex crossed the line at 8:34, 9 seconds faster than Dawn Solo from the KWP. Their lead was now only 5 seconds. This left it up to Wayne. The Lord of the spreadsheet did not disappoint as his 8:35 finish was 21 seconds ahead of KWP Zack, nudging the GKC to victory by 16 seconds. The rest of the rebel alliance trailed in behind with CDB taking 3rd, Carleton 4th, McMaster 5th, and Western placing 6th thanks to the brave efforts of Rosa who swam once at railroad, limped to her boat, paddled to Lover’s where she swam again before finishing the race in 23:05. The farce is strong in that one, I think. Someone should explain that the high score doesn’t win this game.
We covertly gathered info on times and at one point thought the KWP had squeaked out a victory. Later, we thought we had lost by only a couple of seconds. (Would we lose by the 2 seconds that Leah beat Wayne in the race) but, at the awards banquet at Jubilee lodge, (where we chowed down on one of the over 140 bowls of Kim's chili) times were made available and blurry math work proved GKC to be the winners. This was later reaffirmed while we were sober at work on Monday. So in the end, although it may happen in the movies, one talented teenager isn’t enough to take down the GKC Death Star.
Kim and Brad had an incredibly busy weekend, but they generously opened their home to us. Kim even snagged Judy and Cathy to help out. Cathy was in the very strategic timekeeper's tent. She was not allowed to run the watch or record times (Hell, this is a military town. Only Majors are allowed to touch the stop watch!) But, she was there to point out the finish barrel and cheer on the red faced contestants as they puffed their way to the finish line. Judy spent two hours outside stirring chili. What a (storm) trooper! I had the arduous job of rubbing in the victory to the KWP. My kayaking may have suffered over the years but my ability to be a sore winner remains as strong as ever.
An interesting side story after the races as we were smuggling Princes Leah away from the race some imperial guards on bicycles attempted to arrest her for drinking Alderaan Ale. Fortunately, the Dork Lord used a Jedi Mind trick telling them “This is not the drunk you want” and they fell for it.
Sunday.
Since we came to paddle, we ran the Upper Petawawa. Levels were lower than 2 weeks ago but were still very good. The walk was worse. I had my heavy Jefe with me and we wasted valuable walking time failing to make a stretcher to drag the kayaks. Once on the river, the fun began. Richard, Joel and Cody ran a really beefy drop through a munchy hole. Richard had a trashy surf in the hole that started with an unplanned and unwanted back loop, some window shading and three mystery moves. In the final one, he surfaced upright and managed to back paddle frantically to safety but there was fear in his eyes. This is a good thing. The rest of the river saw us running some meaty lines and some sneaks. No GKC swims on this trip and the drive home saw some of us hit the famous Wilno tavern for the Sunday Buffet.
Training will resume Wednesday for the King of Clubs on Labour Day. We head into the competition with a victory but the Rebels will no doubt attempt to regroup. We eagerly await the return of those Jedis.